| grnej;kwgbre |
[09 Oct 2005|07:06pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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hgaujphgraghrauopghruiopaghoreahgouinbgoiavehuiohieoahgiuoehbog;abnvo;evheioangeoingioaghuiognajvneiofhaiowgiouabnioguaHGUIOAHBIOUANVUIOAHBGUEWWFHJIEWOHFJFDNJKLNCNDSAIVOEIHIENKJLVNJKLVN:VNVJKN;vhdn;zhnionga;gnjakl;vnoe;hiowno;vneorhneigohnonveoighioehgjknvj;opnbuioerhgueioawbvuibnejpncuioepnjbouirytueryaurt9euaocjioehgvuvhruhn uiohbojf[oa mi ou89n 8 9rtyqa8ughua hvguaihuighauighaopghia huiyhuiewyhruipeghui iagf iupag afhuaihfuipqahuig auighruaip heiupah vuiah vguauioyUIOPY8RE9TYUHUBH AHUFU hui huifp hruipghuieajhioph ipo whguuai fioa hpo4eb vbjklnd;pJ FIOP[EH Ph uhn dfhbgui sp huighiuesa biuipner thuipweh otig
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| schedule and new job |
[30 Aug 2005|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
] |
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music |
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j-rock...thats all i know : X |
] |
english 12-hennessey
physics 1-davis
psychology-penton
shakespeare study-grenier/creative writing-goldsmith
photography 1-bark
us va govt-truesdell
algebra 2-patton
so thats my lovely new school schedule for my senior year.
and i dont know if anyone knew this, i was working at popeyes. was. but now i have a nice job, a job that requires a dress code and everything : x and this job is, talbots kids @ fairoaks mall. w00t!
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| convo w/ friend |
[31 May 2005|04:49pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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music |
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parents arguing |
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StyxOfBodom [3:32 PM]: hey
PluitSanguis [3:32 PM]: hi
PluitSanguis [3:32 PM]: whats up?
StyxOfBodom [3:33 PM]: not much u?
PluitSanguis [3:33 PM]: nothin, biding time til i have to go to work
StyxOfBodom [3:33 PM]: sounds boring
PluitSanguis [3:33 PM]: yeah
PluitSanguis [3:35 PM]: last night did you read my b/f's poem?
StyxOfBodom [3:35 PM]: yes
PluitSanguis [3:35 PM]: i didnt see if you responded or not
PluitSanguis [3:35 PM]: my mom was yelling at me and i had to turn off the comp
StyxOfBodom [3:35 PM]: o
StyxOfBodom [3:35 PM]: well so what did you want to say?
StyxOfBodom signed off at 3:37 PM
StyxOfBodom signed on at 3:38 PM
StyxOfBodom [3:39 PM]: Sorry about that, Phone calls...
PluitSanguis [3:39 PM]: ah
StyxOfBodom [3:40 PM]: so what of it what did you want to say to his poem?
PluitSanguis [3:40 PM]: i dont know exactly, its just the last line that really bugs me
StyxOfBodom [3:40 PM]: yeah
StyxOfBodom [3:40 PM]: Self-mutilation...
PluitSanguis [3:40 PM]: every time it seems like he's starting to come around and might maybe love me (or atleast admit he does) he turns around and says something like that
PluitSanguis [3:41 PM]: i know
PluitSanguis [3:42 PM]: im about getting to the point where i think maybe i should just give up and let him think what he wants to and say what he thinks
StyxOfBodom [3:42 PM]: how long has it been going on?
PluitSanguis [3:43 PM]: what the things he says?
PluitSanguis [3:43 PM]: or how long have i been trying to open his eyes about it?
StyxOfBodom [3:43 PM]: how long you've been trying to get him o come around
StyxOfBodom [3:43 PM]: to*
PluitSanguis [3:44 PM]: about 6 months now ive been talking to him about it
StyxOfBodom [3:44 PM]: hmmm...
PluitSanguis [3:45 PM]: its like he thinks love is horrible but then he doesnt want me to stop lovinghim or give up hope that he'll love me
StyxOfBodom [3:45 PM]: well its up to you... i know that may seem like a long time... but in the long run thats not too long at all, then again if he hasnt seen the light yet he may not, or it could just be taking him a long time...
StyxOfBodom [3:46 PM]: it probably seems like im just contradicting myself...
StyxOfBodom [3:46 PM]: but i am
PluitSanguis [3:46 PM]: yeah
PluitSanguis [3:46 PM]: i dont know
PluitSanguis [3:46 PM]: i've come right out and told him that im giving up before, and that really bothered him
PluitSanguis [3:47 PM]: so on a certain level i see it as he does love me but doesnt want to call it love because of all the bad connotations he links with it
StyxOfBodom [3:47 PM]: it sounds like he wants to be comforted without having to do anything in return... like he wants it to be one sided almost...
StyxOfBodom [3:47 PM]: from the way your making it out
PluitSanguis [3:47 PM]: i've always thought so too
PluitSanguis [3:48 PM]: but then i'll say something and he'll make it sound like im putting it all on him, like in my writing
PluitSanguis [3:49 PM]: he wants me to take responsibility for the way i feel and not leave it to be his to break
StyxOfBodom [3:49 PM]: well
PluitSanguis [3:49 PM]: but then he wants me to keep loving him
StyxOfBodom [3:49 PM]: i can say this
StyxOfBodom [3:49 PM]: me and a couple other people were talking about it on the bud
StyxOfBodom [3:49 PM]: bus*
StyxOfBodom [3:49 PM]: and the three hardest things to do...
StyxOfBodom [3:50 PM]: 1. To keep a secret
StyxOfBodom [3:50 PM]: 2. To forget a wound
StyxOfBodom [3:50 PM]: 3. i dont remember...lol
PluitSanguis [3:50 PM]: ...that was random
StyxOfBodom [3:50 PM]: not really
StyxOfBodom [3:50 PM]: think about it
StyxOfBodom [3:51 PM]: He has problems with commitment
StyxOfBodom [3:51 PM]: because of things that happened in the past
StyxOfBodom [3:51 PM]: thats a wound
PluitSanguis [3:51 PM]: i know and i've pointed it all out to him before
PluitSanguis [3:51 PM]: i've written things about it
StyxOfBodom [3:51 PM]: It may be that he wants to forget those wounds...
StyxOfBodom [3:52 PM]: and by pointing them out to him... you're making it worse
PluitSanguis [3:52 PM]: usually i'll just say something in regards to ourselves, and he'll bring the past up
StyxOfBodom [3:52 PM]: then thats probably not the case...
StyxOfBodom [3:53 PM]: he's probably using those situations as a defense to not get too deeply involved with you
PluitSanguis [3:53 PM]: probably
PluitSanguis [3:53 PM]: but it doesnt make sense
PluitSanguis [3:53 PM]: he knows im deep, he wants me to stay deep, but its like he's afraid he'll drown even though i float
PluitSanguis [3:54 PM]: like he's too heavy for the water to support him but because im younger and more idealistic thats the only reason im above water
StyxOfBodom [3:54 PM]: He needs to get the rocks out of his Life vest...
PluitSanguis [3:55 PM]: yeah....i wish his ex g/fs would have tried talking to him about this stuff instead of just agreeing with him when he said there was no such thing as love
PluitSanguis [3:55 PM]: its like because of their compliance he's so stuck in his ways that he doesnt want to change
PluitSanguis [3:55 PM]: and at the same time he does
StyxOfBodom [3:55 PM]: a wise man once said "You must first empty your cup of tea before you try to drink in mine"
PluitSanguis [3:56 PM]: im too brain dead to make the connection today
PluitSanguis [3:56 PM]: >.<
StyxOfBodom [3:56 PM]: lol
StyxOfBodom [3:56 PM]: well
StyxOfBodom [3:56 PM]: the situation goes
StyxOfBodom [3:56 PM]: There was a learned man
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: who was visiting a philosopher in china
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: and while talking to the philosopher about his philosophy he made many snide remarks
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: so later the philosopher served te
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: tea*
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: and he poured the mans glass
StyxOfBodom [3:57 PM]: he kept pouring overfilling the glass
StyxOfBodom [3:58 PM]: and the man said "what are you doing the glass is already full"
StyxOfBodom [3:58 PM]: the philosopher said "you must first empty your cup of tea before you can drink in mine"
PluitSanguis [3:58 PM]: ok, i understand the story
PluitSanguis [3:59 PM]: but i dont know how it works in the given situation i stated
StyxOfBodom [3:59 PM]: well
PluitSanguis [3:59 PM]: damn, my brain has been incinerated
StyxOfBodom [3:59 PM]: he's applying his past experiences to the current situation and he's unwilling to empty what he knows about things...
PluitSanguis [3:59 PM]: ah
StyxOfBodom [3:59 PM]: hes comparing you to all his previous g/fas
StyxOfBodom [3:59 PM]: g/fs*
StyxOfBodom [4:00 PM]: even though you're probably nothing at all like them
StyxOfBodom [4:00 PM]: and because of his ignorance he's missing out on a good thing
PluitSanguis [4:01 PM]: maybe
StyxOfBodom [4:01 PM]: not maybe
StyxOfBodom [4:01 PM]: definately
PluitSanguis [4:01 PM]: or maybe im exactly like them all and theres a little light going off in his head going 'warning! warning!'
StyxOfBodom [4:01 PM]: well... are you planning on leaving him?
PluitSanguis [4:02 PM]: no
PluitSanguis [4:02 PM]: but theres only one girl thats ever dumped him, his first g/f that he did fall in love wiht
StyxOfBodom [4:02 PM]: hmmm...
PluitSanguis [4:02 PM]: im actually the first girl he's dated since getting over her, all the others were rebound on her
StyxOfBodom [4:02 PM]: ... thats bad to begin with
StyxOfBodom [4:03 PM]: he's comparing you against a girl who dumped him and a bunch of rebounds...
PluitSanguis [4:04 PM]: i know
PluitSanguis [4:04 PM]: but he also knows im different
PluitSanguis [4:04 PM]: i think alot of the things holding him back are subliminal
StyxOfBodom [4:04 PM]: well theres a start
StyxOfBodom [4:05 PM]: that could be...
StyxOfBodom [4:05 PM]: just things he's programmed himself to do
PluitSanguis [4:05 PM]: yeah
StyxOfBodom [4:06 PM]: but programming can be reversed
PluitSanguis [4:06 PM]: yeah if you know how to do it
PluitSanguis [4:06 PM]: i suck at that sort of stuff
StyxOfBodom [4:06 PM]: you dont have to know how
StyxOfBodom [4:06 PM]: its a little word called unconditional
StyxOfBodom [4:06 PM]: put it in front of another word
StyxOfBodom [4:06 PM]: i think you know which one
PluitSanguis [4:07 PM]: yeah but i dont know for a fact if its true
PluitSanguis [4:07 PM]: its just a hunch
StyxOfBodom [4:08 PM]: because for all you know...
StyxOfBodom [4:08 PM]: he might love you with every fiber of his being, and just cant say it in front of anyone but the mirror...
StyxOfBodom [4:09 PM]: and the whole thing, the self mutilation everything is all just a show he puts on because he's scared of what other people would think of him
StyxOfBodom [4:10 PM]: just to take things in a different direction
PluitSanguis [4:10 PM]: thank you for steering when im too drunk on emotion to see clearly
PluitSanguis [4:10 PM]: you have a point
PluitSanguis [4:11 PM]: and something else he wrote, along with the response to a comment, would comply with what you just said
PluitSanguis [4:11 PM]: but its one of those things where im just not gonna truely take it for real until he actually says it
StyxOfBodom [4:11 PM]: yeah
StyxOfBodom [4:12 PM]: it could very well be that every single thing you say to him gets through and hits him like a spear to the heart... but he's too afraid to let the world know... and if you think thats what it could be confront him on it...
PluitSanguis [4:13 PM]: i have, once again in a poem, and then there was a time where he responded to a journal entry saying we need to talk about what it is he feels for me because hes not sure what to call it anymore, but we never did and dammit its all rushing it at once
PluitSanguis [4:13 PM]: ner
StyxOfBodom [4:13 PM]: hmmm
StyxOfBodom [4:14 PM]: well you could take the reigns
StyxOfBodom [4:14 PM]: and do it in person
StyxOfBodom [4:14 PM]: or just bide your time
StyxOfBodom [4:14 PM]: and let him decide when the right moment is
PluitSanguis [4:15 PM]: that could be never
StyxOfBodom [4:15 PM]: then take charge
PluitSanguis [4:15 PM]: and as anybody may guess, i dont have tons of patience with these things
StyxOfBodom [4:15 PM]: take charge of it
StyxOfBodom [4:15 PM]: tell him "we need to talk"
StyxOfBodom [4:16 PM]: and talk about what we've been talking about
PluitSanguis [4:16 PM]: yeah...i guess im afraid to
PluitSanguis [4:16 PM]: its one of those things where i know its necessary
PluitSanguis [4:16 PM]: but at the same time
StyxOfBodom [4:17 PM]: because it sounds like you want something to happen
StyxOfBodom [4:17 PM]: you're ready for the next step
StyxOfBodom [4:17 PM]: noi?
PluitSanguis [4:17 PM]: i know its one of those subjects where it could end with us breaking up
StyxOfBodom [4:17 PM]: it could or it could end up being a very happy thing
StyxOfBodom [4:17 PM]: and an occasion for much rejoicing
PluitSanguis [4:18 PM]: yes but every other time we've talked, it never really resolves anything solid, i mean, he'll admit things like the commitment issues and believing in love and though he's uncomfortable when i say it (which is why i dont really) but he loves that i love him
PluitSanguis [4:19 PM]: and once we almost broke up, he said 'marlene, if what im giving you isnt enough, if youre looking for love in me and cant do without, you need to dump me'
StyxOfBodom [4:19 PM]: that right there... makes me think he really cares about you
PluitSanguis [4:20 PM]: why? he wanted me to break up with him
StyxOfBodom [4:21 PM]: but the way that was said... it makes me tink that all he wants is for you to be happy and if he cant make you happy then he wants you to find someone who can make you happy
StyxOfBodom [4:21 PM]: think*
PluitSanguis [4:22 PM]: yeah...that was back when he was still swearing up and down that he never wanted to fall in love (cause i already got him to admit he believed in it) but at the same time he was secretly asking his friends what they thought love was
PluitSanguis [4:22 PM]: of course when one of his friends basically came right out and professed their love for him, ian went back to saying its better off if he stays away from love
PluitSanguis [4:25 PM]: my best friend thinks i should just dump him and be done with it
StyxOfBodom [4:25 PM]: its your choice
PluitSanguis [4:25 PM]: and only take him back if he wants me to once he makes up his mind
PluitSanguis [4:25 PM]: i dont want to do that
PluitSanguis [4:26 PM]: he may not want me back
PluitSanguis [4:26 PM]: and i want to hold on as long as i can
PluitSanguis [4:26 PM]: cause though i can live without him
StyxOfBodom [4:26 PM]: Even if it may be just a fleeting thing?
PluitSanguis [4:26 PM]: i've done it before and id rathernot
PluitSanguis [4:26 PM]: whats fleeting?
StyxOfBodom [4:26 PM]: even if he doesnt really love you and never planned on it... and he never wanted to get deeply involved with youl...
StyxOfBodom [4:27 PM]: you*
PluitSanguis [4:29 PM]: i know
PluitSanguis [4:29 PM]: i should talk to him
StyxOfBodom [4:29 PM]: definately
StyxOfBodom [4:29 PM]: it sounds like you two have a lot of things that need to be resolved
PluitSanguis [4:29 PM]: yeah
StyxOfBodom [4:32 PM]: more so even than a couple that has broken up...
PluitSanguis [4:33 PM]: true that
StyxOfBodom [4:35 PM]: ... sound like you just need someone there to hold you
StyxOfBodom [4:36 PM]: sounds*
PluitSanguis [4:36 PM]: that tends to be the case
PluitSanguis [4:36 PM]: nobody around here really gets it
StyxOfBodom [4:36 PM]: family never does
StyxOfBodom [4:36 PM]: they always figure everything is fine
PluitSanguis [4:39 PM]: ner
PluitSanguis [4:39 PM]: thats stupid
StyxOfBodom [4:39 PM]: what?
PluitSanguis [4:39 PM]: when they think everythings fine
StyxOfBodom [4:39 PM]: yes it is
StyxOfBodom [4:40 PM]: I'll brb one sec Sorry about this
PluitSanguis [4:41 PM]: np
StyxOfBodom [4:42 PM]: my brother was being evil
PluitSanguis [4:42 PM]: how so?
StyxOfBodom [4:43 PM]: nagging me to get offline so he can make phone calls...
PluitSanguis [4:43 PM]: bleh, i get that too
StyxOfBodom [4:43 PM]: when he can use my moms cell...
PluitSanguis [4:43 PM]: oh well
StyxOfBodom [4:44 PM]: yep
StyxOfBodom [4:44 PM]: oh well...lol
StyxOfBodom [4:44 PM]: gah i think my thickheadedness has come into play...
StyxOfBodom [4:45 PM]: at least i realized it after talking with you...
PluitSanguis [4:45 PM]: how so?
StyxOfBodom signed off at 4:47 PM
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| talk with nick |
[01 May 2005|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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none |
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Houkouha [9:19 PM]: so we meet again...
PluitSanguis [9:20 PM]: yeah
Houkouha [9:20 PM]: and i still have yet to drag that out of you
Houkouha [9:21 PM]: your kung-fu is strong but not strong enough!!
PluitSanguis [9:21 PM]: *nods*
Houkouha [9:23 PM]: and i will get it out of you if it kills me
Houkouha [9:24 PM]: ...
Houkouha [9:24 PM]: please?
PluitSanguis [9:25 PM]: not right now, sorry
PluitSanguis [9:25 PM]: too upset for that
Houkouha [9:25 PM]: mkay
Houkouha [9:25 PM]: whats wrong?
PluitSanguis [9:25 PM]: i dont know
Houkouha [9:26 PM]: ???
PluitSanguis [9:26 PM]: i dont know >.<
Houkouha [9:27 PM]: ummm... any way i can help?
PluitSanguis [9:27 PM]: shoot me
Houkouha [9:27 PM]: i would really rather not
Houkouha [9:27 PM]: your the only marlene ive got
PluitSanguis [9:30 PM]: you'll find another, or better yet you'll find a valerie or a betty, and theyre better than marlenes
Houkouha [9:30 PM]: no!
Houkouha [9:30 PM]: i want the marlene ive got!
Houkouha [9:30 PM]: i love my marlene!
Houkouha [9:30 PM]: fuck betty!
Houkouha [9:30 PM]: shes a ho!
Houkouha [9:31 PM]: she takes it up the ass for 10 cents
PluitSanguis [9:35 PM]: lovely
Houkouha [9:38 PM]: are you really upset for no reason?
PluitSanguis [9:39 PM]: i dont know
Houkouha [9:40 PM]: *big hug*
Houkouha [9:40 PM]: i hope you feel better
Houkouha [9:40 PM]: and i'll do anything i can to help
PluitSanguis [9:40 PM]: thanks
Houkouha [9:42 PM]: anything i can do?
PluitSanguis [9:43 PM]: i dont know
PluitSanguis [9:44 PM]: i havent eaten much in about a week
PluitSanguis [9:44 PM]: hunger pains hurt like hell
PluitSanguis [9:44 PM]: but nothing seems appetizing
PluitSanguis [9:44 PM]: and i feel guilty after eating
PluitSanguis [9:44 PM]: and i tried talking
PluitSanguis [9:45 PM]: but its like knocking at the door of a house when the lights are on and you see shadows moving, but then noone comes to the door
PluitSanguis [9:45 PM]: and causality paradox fucked me over
PluitSanguis [9:45 PM]: or rather, everyone else was fucked over by causality paradox because of how it affected me
PluitSanguis [9:46 PM]: why does everything seem wrong but at the same time its so miniscule that it shouldnt bother me so much?
PluitSanguis [9:46 PM]: and now i cant shut up
PluitSanguis [9:46 PM]: ignore all the above
PluitSanguis [9:46 PM]: now im just rambling
Houkouha [9:47 PM]: what seems wrong to you?and you sound like you've become anoroexic
PluitSanguis [9:47 PM]: im not anorexic
PluitSanguis [9:47 PM]: im still over weight
Houkouha [9:47 PM]: BECOME
PluitSanguis [9:48 PM]: everything seems wrong but its not like its terrible...its just not right....askew? maybe thats the word
PluitSanguis [9:48 PM]: things arent as they should be
PluitSanguis [9:48 PM]: looking at my sisters report card makes me sad
PluitSanguis [9:48 PM]: seeing kids in their yards playing catch with their dads makes me sad
PluitSanguis [9:48 PM]: babys make me sad
Houkouha [9:48 PM]: dont try to compare yourself to other people
PluitSanguis [9:49 PM]: no, its not that
PluitSanguis [9:49 PM]: just so many things i dont have
PluitSanguis [9:49 PM]: and its all my own doing for that
Houkouha [9:49 PM]: but those are things that you dont really need
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: i may not need them
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: but i didnt get much of anything if it wasnt material
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: or sexual
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: guys go for me on purely sexual grounds
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: i've accepted that
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: cause im not a person worth caring for
PluitSanguis [9:50 PM]: i made myself that way
Houkouha [9:50 PM]: WRONG!!!!
PluitSanguis [9:51 PM]: no its not
Houkouha [9:51 PM]: yes it is
Houkouha [9:51 PM]: because I care about you
Houkouha [9:51 PM]: i do care about you marlene
PluitSanguis [9:52 PM]: y'know, alot of people say that
PluitSanguis [9:52 PM]: my parents say that
Houkouha [9:52 PM]: does your boyfriend?
Houkouha [9:52 PM]: and does he mean it?
Houkouha [9:53 PM]: are you even able to tell if he means it?
PluitSanguis [9:53 PM]: he cares about me, i know he does....but he can only care to a certain extent....and in a relationship that puts a bit of a damper on things
PluitSanguis [9:53 PM]: he doesnt believe in love
PluitSanguis [9:53 PM]: or he does
PluitSanguis [9:53 PM]: but he's got commitment issues
PluitSanguis [9:54 PM]: and a severe fear of being hurt
PluitSanguis [9:54 PM]: having your heart broken, it hurts
Houkouha [9:54 PM]: yes
Houkouha [9:54 PM]: i know it does
PluitSanguis [9:54 PM]: *nods*
PluitSanguis [9:55 PM]: why cant someone love me when i love them? and why cant i love people when they love me? its always off
PluitSanguis [9:55 PM]: always
PluitSanguis [9:55 PM]: nothing is ever reciprocated
PluitSanguis [9:55 PM]: maybe i want to be lonely
PluitSanguis [9:56 PM]: maybe im some sort of masochist who enjoys having my heart broken, a bitch who likes crushing people
Houkouha [9:56 PM]: well you do have serious self-esteem issues
PluitSanguis [9:56 PM]: noted
Houkouha [9:56 PM]: possibly
Houkouha [9:56 PM]: maybe even just sub-conciously
PluitSanguis [9:56 PM]: perhaps
PluitSanguis [9:57 PM]: all i know is i wish i could be loved an in love, simultaneously, the same person
PluitSanguis [9:58 PM]: but that doesnt seem to happen
PluitSanguis [9:58 PM]: ever
PluitSanguis [9:58 PM]: i dont even think the people who have claimed to love me ever really did love me
PluitSanguis [9:58 PM]: i think they love sex
Houkouha [9:58 PM]: most likely
Houkouha [9:58 PM]: you're naive
Houkouha [9:59 PM]: people take advantage of that
Houkouha [9:59 PM]: and of you
PluitSanguis [9:59 PM]: i know
PluitSanguis [9:59 PM]: but who can blame them? i put it out there for them to take
Houkouha [10:00 PM]: they ARE to blame
Houkouha [10:00 PM]: no decent person takes advantage of another
Houkouha [10:00 PM]: especially not sexually
PluitSanguis [10:00 PM]: then everyones scum
PluitSanguis [10:01 PM]: cause everyone has or would do it
PluitSanguis [10:01 PM]: and knowing me, they either have or will one day be given the opportunity
Houkouha [10:01 PM]: nobody's perfect
PluitSanguis [10:01 PM]: because im a slut
Houkouha [10:01 PM]: the difference
Houkouha [10:01 PM]: is if they seize the opportunity
Houkouha [10:01 PM]: and no, you're not a slut
PluitSanguis [10:02 PM]: what else do you call it?
Houkouha [10:02 PM]: you're sexually charged, and make very bad decisions
PluitSanguis [10:02 PM]: *nods*
Houkouha [10:04 PM]: what do you think you are?
PluitSanguis [10:04 PM]: in what aspect?
Houkouha [10:04 PM]: overall, mentally, sexually
PluitSanguis [10:05 PM]: i'd like to think of myself as a beautiful person, not on a physical level, on a mental level. a poet, an artist, but although im those things too, im not a beautiful person, im overly sensitive and screwed up in the head
PluitSanguis [10:06 PM]: sometimes i can make myself believe im a beautiful person, ian tells me i am all the time
PluitSanguis [10:06 PM]: as does danielle
PluitSanguis [10:06 PM]: and marcus
PluitSanguis [10:06 PM]: theyre really the only people who know me well enough that i'd believe them
PluitSanguis [10:06 PM]: but thats only half the time
PluitSanguis [10:07 PM]: the other half im just pathetic
Houkouha [10:08 PM]: marcus is a bit too stupid and out right fucked up to really be taken seriously, but (and i never thought i would EVER say this) i agree with him
Houkouha [10:08 PM]: you ARE a beautiful person
Houkouha [10:08 PM]: and its because of the people that have taken advantage of you that you're as messed up as you are
Houkouha [10:09 PM]: because they betrayed you and hurt you so much
PluitSanguis [10:09 PM]: perhaps
|
|
| cant be myself (a poem) |
[15 Apr 2005|06:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 naughty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sounds scottish whatever it is |
] |
confined by societys eye
im not free to be myself
due to wordly views
im stuck living this lie
we make no use of personality
we have no need for thought
bland and plain, clones are reality
in the end, it doesnt matter how hard we fought
creativity, ingenius, everything lost
for the Utopian life
that is the cost
---------------------------
meyar, one of my newer poems, sorta been ignoring my lj because i've been too preoccupied with deviantart. i know it doesnt really matter, noone reads this shit. but i figured i'd update in case anyone noticed my absence. but yes, i chose dA over lj, purely on the reaosn that people love me more on dA. people who dont even know me comment on my writing and journal entries. i've actually made friends theres. and y'know what? i like being appreciated, even if it is only a little.
anyways, been contemplating the dying of my hair. purple and green. iono tho, i need a job >.< if i could get a job with purple and green hair, that would be sweet, but unfortunately i have not found a place where that could happen. ner >.<
i saw danielle last week! <(^.^< <(^.^)> >^.^)>
im a lil worried bout her tho : x she's gotten really skinny....like back in middle school...anorexia = bad >.<
so we went and saw a movie, i think it was something called the sahara...? but yeah, the main character guys, danielle and myself laughed so hard, it was like looking at the two of us if we were older and male. great great GREAT movie ^.^
oh, and justin is desperate : x he's actually gotten to the point where he's asking me to hook him up with a highschool girl from westfields. not even specific, just a girl, any girl. oh, and he tried to talk me into hooking him up with danielle, but im sorry, thats just a line i will not step over. even if danielle will on my behalf >.<
I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah....yeah, thats all i got >.< look at me on deviantart!
http://x-leiner-x.deviantart.com/
(i know i cant do links worth a shit. if anyone actually does read this and really does want to take a look, just copy paste. thankies ^.^ )
|
|
| *confused* |
[26 Mar 2005|09:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
the more i think about our talk the more confused i get.
he makes it sound as though im the one who doesnt care, im the one who could do better, im the one too good for him. its funny cause i think the same thing about him.
what the hell is going on?
|
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| convo wif dani ^.^ |
[21 Mar 2005|10:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
little kids playing |
] |
PluitSanguis [9:56 AM]: ner
PluitSanguis [9:56 AM]: the whore is online >.<
XxOoWhateverXxOo [9:56 AM]: what was that? you disappeared! *cries*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [9:56 AM]: lol
PluitSanguis [9:57 AM]: what?
PluitSanguis [9:57 AM]: the computer was being a fucktard >.<
PluitSanguis [9:57 AM]: and i said 'the whore is online'
PluitSanguis [9:57 AM]: referring to sonyi
XxOoWhateverXxOo [9:57 AM]: hahahahaha
XxOoWhateverXxOo [9:57 AM]: you must really like her
PluitSanguis [9:58 AM]: dont you know it
PluitSanguis [9:58 AM]: i grit my teeth and make fists of my hands at her presence
XxOoWhateverXxOo [9:58 AM]: lmfao
PluitSanguis [9:58 AM]: and i'm ready to kick gary's ass for hanging around her
PluitSanguis [9:59 AM]: cause i know for sonyi its like another 'ha! this person is choosing me over marlene too. i knew i was better than that bitch'
PluitSanguis [9:59 AM]: thats why she had aaron cheat on me, thats why she decided to befriend you and thats why she wont lay off gary
PluitSanguis [9:59 AM]: *seethes*
PluitSanguis [9:59 AM]: i hate that c..t
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:00 AM]: its not that. its that both of them hang with dann still.. just say the word.. you will feel better
PluitSanguis [10:00 AM]: i hate that cunt
PluitSanguis [10:00 AM]: actually, gary doenst like her either
PluitSanguis [10:00 AM]: he hangs out with her cause she pretends to be all bad ass and using drugs and shit
PluitSanguis [10:00 AM]: and gary really does do drugs
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:01 AM]: i know
PluitSanguis [10:01 AM]: *strangles sonyi*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:02 AM]: wear gloves. if one friend dies i dont want my favorite one in jail.. lol.. jk
PluitSanguis [10:02 AM]: know what would make my life complete? would make things just oodles better? if marcus finally snapped and went on his killing spree, both sonyi and jason are on the list
PluitSanguis [10:02 AM]: it still irks me that youre friends with her
PluitSanguis [10:02 AM]: she's so phony
PluitSanguis [10:02 AM]: >.<
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:02 AM]: but amusing
PluitSanguis [10:02 AM]: not really
PluitSanguis [10:03 AM]: she's loud and obnoxious and never shuts up
PluitSanguis [10:03 AM]: i had to scream to get a word in edgewise
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:04 AM]: true sometimes
PluitSanguis [10:04 AM]: true all the time
PluitSanguis [10:04 AM]: god i hate her
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:04 AM]: i know you do
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:04 AM]: *hugz*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:05 AM]: deep breathes
PluitSanguis [10:06 AM]: but i'd breathe so much better if she was dead
PluitSanguis [10:06 AM]: or a blind deaf mute
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:06 AM]: then do something about it
PluitSanguis [10:06 AM]: that would be quite amusing
PluitSanguis [10:06 AM]: what am i going to do? gouge her eyes out and tear out her tongue?
PluitSanguis [10:06 AM]: i dont think i could plead insanity, i'm too well spoken
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:07 AM]: gouge her eyes out. cut off her tongue and then... make her EAT it!!!!!!!!!1
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:07 AM]: lnfao
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:07 AM]: yes you are
PluitSanguis [10:07 AM]: i am what?
PluitSanguis [10:07 AM]: that would be an interesting sensation, i dare say
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:07 AM]: that is a fluid question id rather not answer right now
PluitSanguis [10:07 AM]: your tongue and eyeballs gliding down your throat
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:08 AM]: but i do love you
PluitSanguis [10:08 AM]: *nods*
PluitSanguis [10:08 AM]: i know
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:08 AM]: thats good
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:09 AM]: dont forget
PluitSanguis [10:09 AM]: will not
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:09 AM]: good
PluitSanguis [10:09 AM]: can i buy a guillotine next time sonyi swears up and down shes going to kill herself?
PluitSanguis [10:09 AM]: cause either way, i'll enjoy the reaction
PluitSanguis [10:09 AM]: either she kills herself or admits that shes a faker
PluitSanguis [10:09 AM]: in front of everyone
PluitSanguis [10:10 AM]: *eyes glaze over*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:10 AM]: hehehe.. see if she blinks after her head is chopped off. that would be funny. or if you tried it with a DULL blade... interesting...
PluitSanguis [10:10 AM]: mmmmmmmm...are you trying to make me giddy?
PluitSanguis [10:10 AM]: cause if so, youre doing a wonderful job
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:11 AM]: yay! always here to help
PluitSanguis [10:11 AM]: ^.^
PluitSanguis [10:12 AM]: methinks i should post that in my lj, the bit about sonyi
PluitSanguis [10:12 AM]: i know she still looks there, cause shes a nosey bitch >.<
PluitSanguis [10:12 AM]: t'would be funny
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:14 AM]: im sure it would be
PluitSanguis [10:15 AM]: permission? *puppy eyes* pwease?
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:17 AM]: alright
PluitSanguis [10:17 AM]: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
PluitSanguis [10:18 AM]: *skips about picking daisies idly and making a virgin crown*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:18 AM]: hahaha
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:18 AM]: im glad you are happy
PluitSanguis [10:18 AM]: *places upon danielles head* for muh lady
PluitSanguis [10:18 AM]: i am
PluitSanguis [10:18 AM]: ^.^
PluitSanguis [10:19 AM]: <(^.^< <(^.^)> >^.^)>
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:21 AM]: lol
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:21 AM]: *hugz*
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:21 AM]: u kno u rock!
PluitSanguis [10:21 AM]: ^.^
PluitSanguis [10:21 AM]: i know
XxOoWhateverXxOo [10:21 AM]: but does it have to be a VIRGIN crown? cant it just be a normal crown
PluitSanguis [10:22 AM]: no *shakes head* when its a daisy chain, its a virgin crown
PluitSanguis [10:22 AM]: i dunno how to make a regular crown out of flowers
PluitSanguis [10:22 AM]: if i did, that would be a different story
|
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| invisible |
[18 Feb 2005|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
some crappy tv show |
] |
if i died tomorrow, would anyone care?
if i died tomorrow, would anyone even notice?
probably not
noone seems to realize im alive now, why would anyone give a shit if i was dead?
|
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| confused |
[01 Feb 2005|04:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
*silence* |
] |
why does everything always seem to be going so well and then all of a sudden something, not necessarily anything all that bad, just something happens, and im left wondering all over again if things really are okay.
me and ian seem to be doing well. i believe we're doing just fine. but i know he cant stand the idea of making me cry. which tells me he may not want to be with me, he just doesnt know how to break it off.
oy. i know im probably more than likely off. im just about positive everything is fine, its just i over think everything. and when i say everything, i mean EVERYTHING!
...but waht if he really doesnt want to be with me? what if he's doing what he did with alex, knowing he wants to break things off just not knowing how to do so. i dont want anyone to be with me for any other reason than they WANT to be with me. which is rare. usually theyre with me for the sex *rolls eyes* yes i realize that anyone who doesnt know me too well is gonna take me for being a slut now. i really dont care.
now im contemplating what to do. i dont want to break things off myself if things are fine (which they more than likely are), but i dont want him to be with me if he doesnt want to be.
*sigh* i guess i'll just have to depend on him being strong enough emotionally to take charge and dump me if he doesnt care about me anymore.
does anyone else sense the insecurity? anyone?
|
|
| 2 months |
[03 Jan 2005|04:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
spider man 2 soundtrack (really just the movie) |
] |
we have now made it 2 months ^.^
|
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| pity |
[01 Jan 2005|11:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
snl |
] |
why the fuck would people make up stories to make their life sound that much worse? its fucking retarded and i look down on society more and more everyday because of it. half the time the story doesnt even work, but everyone just goes right on ahead and believes it cause deep down they love drama. anyone who would make up shit to fit in or for attention is just pathetic and i have no sympathy for them when they get caught in their lies. why would anyone want to be pitied? i hate being pitied and i'd rather be dead than have people pity me. man...people are just so fucktardish...i hate people and their mannerisms. *shakes head in disgust*
|
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| too much |
[27 Dec 2004|12:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
*shrugs* |
] |
am i selfish in wanting something more? im not talking about material things, im talking about rights, feelings...you know, things that everyone seems to be going out of their way to keep away from me. is it selfish to want to be allowed to state my opinion, or actually want to be happy? is it selfish to want real emotion when someone kisses you? i dont know....maybe i just expect too much. maybe i am just another silly girl who hasnt yet given up on the fairytale life. the idea of a happy family, falling in love and living happily ever after....*sigh* when will i stop allowing myself to be hurt? noone wants me, i know it, and yet it still cuts like a knife everytime theres a reminder. and every time im reminded im unwanted, i always think to myself, "why cant someone want me?"
another thing...have you ever felt that things are getting to be really great, you think youre finally getting what you want...and then something happens and you realize youre just letting yourself hope again, hope for something you know in your gut wont happen? yeah well, keeps happening to me...happened again not 20 minutes ago actually....when will i give up?
right now i'd like nothing better than to break down and cry. just cry until i fell asleep. or take every pill in the house. or go out and allow someone to take advantage of me and my body. let myself get knocked up so for once he'll show some strong emotion towards me, when he thinks i cheated on him cause im pregnant with someone elses child. it may be hatred, but it would be better than the 'meh, i kinda like you' crap he has going now. i should be happy. happy just to be with him, happy to get a chance. but i care too much to force anything...i wont ask him to give me what he's not willing to give...why am i never worht it?
why do i feel cursed? guys always claim to have fallen for me and i never return their feelings. why is it every time i do feel that way for someone, they cant...they wont feel the same for me?
fuck 'happy mediums'! someone rename it, please, for there is nothing happy about it, not for me anyways. its driving me insane. at this point i'd rather he just drop me without a second thought like he did when we were younger. atleast then i was being flat out rejected. right now, 'rejection' doesnt quite work. it feels more like just accepting something thats been handed to you, something where you would say 'well, i'm take it or leave it, doesnt matter to me'.
i want my knife. no, i want his knife. the knife i cut myself with the other night. its almost symbolic in a way...his knife cutting me...and im the one putting the pressure on the blade...fits just a little too well, i'd say.
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| ^.^ |
[16 Dec 2004|11:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
spooty pupils |
] |
*bounces* it doesnt hurt anymore!!! yay! ^.^
|
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| convo with marcus about falling |
[14 Dec 2004|06:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lizzie mcguire (younger sister, not me) |
] |
dilutedlife13 [5:53 PM]: sorry my comp was being a prick
dilutedlife13 [5:53 PM]: i didnt get anything you said
PluitSanguis [5:53 PM]: lol
PluitSanguis [5:53 PM]: from what?
PluitSanguis [5:54 PM]: im not sure i said anything
dilutedlife13 [5:54 PM]: from the last thing i said
PluitSanguis [5:54 PM]: umm...i dont think i said anything....what did you say?
dilutedlife13 [5:54 PM]: that it was only a matter of time until i fell for her
PluitSanguis [5:55 PM]: i didnt even get that
dilutedlife13 [5:55 PM]: well now you know^_^
PluitSanguis [5:55 PM]: lol, i already knew that
dilutedlife13 [5:56 PM]: i know but still
PluitSanguis [5:57 PM]: damn, i wish i was allowed to fall >.<
dilutedlife13 [5:57 PM]: *hugs*
PluitSanguis [5:57 PM]: *hugs*
dilutedlife13 [5:57 PM]: in due time you'll have your chance
PluitSanguis [5:58 PM]: *sigh* yeah, but the thing is, im afraid i'll fall, which would be bad at this point in time
dilutedlife13 [5:58 PM]: well thats why i said in due time
PluitSanguis [6:00 PM]: why....why the hell would i choose to date someone who doesnt believe in love, when im painfully aware of how easily i could fall for him?
PluitSanguis [6:00 PM]: *slams head into cement slab*
dilutedlife13 [6:01 PM]: aww dont do that *hugs*
PluitSanguis [6:01 PM]: im such an idiot
PluitSanguis [6:02 PM]: im gonna have to dump him if i get too close to it tho....gawd this sux
dilutedlife13 [6:02 PM]: *hugs"* i wish i could help you
PluitSanguis [6:03 PM]: i wish i were as heartless as aaron said...then i wouldnt have to worry about falling for anyone
dilutedlife13 [6:03 PM]: but your not
PluitSanguis [6:03 PM]: i know
PluitSanguis [6:03 PM]: *sigh*
PluitSanguis [6:03 PM]: y'know what? i dun feel like being depressed
PluitSanguis [6:03 PM]: so instead
PluitSanguis [6:04 PM]: im gonna go back to being day dreamy about my b/f instead of focusing on the fact that im not allowed to fall for him
dilutedlife13 [6:04 PM]: daydream away
|
|
| yet another crappy poem (written for content, not for structure) |
[08 Dec 2004|04:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tv |
] |
i wonder what you would do
if i were to give myself to you?
thats one question left unasked
and one question left unanswered
just let the moment pass
and leave the line uncrossed
someday perhaps
someday perchance
|
|
| what does my name mean? |
[08 Dec 2004|02:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ummm im thinking its santana...not sure... |
] |
| MARLENE |
| M |
is for |
Mushy |
| A |
is for |
Altruistic |
| R |
is for |
Relaxing |
| L |
is for |
Luscious |
| E |
is for |
Entertaining |
| N |
is for |
Nutty |
| E |
is for |
Easy |
|
|
| 1 month anniversary |
[04 Dec 2004|07:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
iono |
] |
yesterday was mine and ians 1 month anniversary ^.^ go us! *ish proud*
|
|
| i do care, even if it doesnt show |
[02 Dec 2004|09:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nerdy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jurassic park 3 |
] |
yesterday ian asked me if i cared at all about him or us. obviously (or not so obvious to him apparently) the answer is yes. and i do realize i dont really show it, as he pointed out. i felt bad after he said that, not because he pointed it out, just that he felt that i didnt care. the truth is, i kind of have some sort sort of defense system when it comes to caring for him. i hate that im like that, but there are reasons. when you care about someone, in the romantic sense anyways, you run the risk of falling in love. i dont fall in love easily (still havent as a matter of fact) but if i did happen to start to feel that way, the last thing i need is the dilemme of falling for someone who is incapable of returning my feelings. im not being down on myself or anything, its just you cant feel something you dont believe in. ian doesnt believe in love. in a way it sort of impairs him emotionally. as you can see, his incapablities when it comes to love impair me as well. yes, i do care about him, but i try not to let it show. i guess i figure that if i were to let my guard down and let myself get too emotionally involved, he wouldnt be able to tell. i know what its like when someone loves you (or claims to) and you dont feel that way in return, and i dont want to put him or anyone through that. also, to be perfectly honest, theres an issue of pride for me behind the stoney-heart facade. if he were to hurt me, i wouldnt want him to know it, and i wouldnt want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me be rejected or dumped. so there are actually a couple reasons im so apathetic in appearance. i wish i wasnt this way. and im trying not to be this way. im not sure if i can do it tho, let my guard down....
|
|
| lil girl fantasies |
[28 Nov 2004|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hot chick |
] |
you know how you had all those fantasies of the 'perfect guy' when you were a little girl? how theyd be handsome, and rich and have a really awesome car? well i never really cared about that part. in all honesty, there wasnt much i wanted. here is my lil girl fantasy:
a guy who calls, not because he's supposed to or because he thinks you'll be pissed, but because they just want to talk to you, hear your voice, know how your days been.
they dont check out girls or cheat or flirt, once again, not because they dont want to piss you off, but because they are genuinely uninterested in anyone but you.
someone who comes right out and tells you how they feel, and they dont lie to make you feel like shit when youre arguing, they dont say they feel more for you, or flatter you because they know if they dont they'll be in the doghouse. they just know how they feel, and tell you what that is.
not gonna happen. its not that a guy couldnt fake the above, but thats not what i want. i want for it to be real. and seeing as thats not how the human race (one half of it in particular) works, i can pretty much kiss my 'perfect guy' ideals goodbye.
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xinxdenialx's journal
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